Act II
Summary
Act II begins in Hardcastle's house
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Hardcastle and several "awkward servants" enter, the former instructing them on how to appear sophisticated for the expected guests. One of the servants, Diggory, brags over his ability to hold his hands properly while serving, but Hardcastle stops him and chides him for talking too much. He also instructs them not to laugh at funny stories, since they are not officially part of the company. Diggory points out that one story of Hardcastle's – about "Ould Grouse in the gun-room" – is too funny to ignore, and Hardcastle, amused, allows they might laugh at that. As they exit, the servants continue to banter about where each should stand while serving.
Another servant enters, leading in Marlow and Hastings. The men admire how much the inn seems as though it might have once been a mansion, but complain that they will be expected to pay a higher rate because of its quality. While discussing inns, Hastings introduces Marlow's particular oddity of character: in front of modest, reputable women, he is "an idiot, such a trembler," while he is eloquent and lively around barmaids and common women. Marlow too laments the shortcoming, pointing out that the only modest woman he ever knew well was his mother. He tells Hastings he is overcome by the splendor of modest women, and because of his bumbling will likely never make it through the formal courtship process and thus might never marry. When Hastings asks how he intends to address Kate (whom he has been invited for the express purpose of courting), he says he will avoid looking her in the face and "bow low." Marlow then admits his purpose for the trip was not for himself, but to facilitate a meeting between his friend and the family of Constance, whom Hastings loves. Hastings assures Marlow he is not at all interested in Constance's inheritance and so needs no such meeting, but rather would be perfectly happy with the woman herself.
Hardcastle enters excitedly, asking for Marlow and offering them "hearty reception." Because of Tony's lie, they believe him to be the innkeeper. To himself, Marlow assumes aloud that the servants had given this man their first names (which he uses, perfectly acceptable for their host but impudent for a landlord). Marlow and Hastings converse with themselves about what clothes they ought to wear, which inspires Hastings to begin telling a story, which they ignore and interrupt, thinking it impudent in a landlord. Finally, Marlow cuts him off and asks for a glass of punch, which Hastings finds not only rude, but distinctly out of character from the modesty he had been led to expect.
He serves them a different sort of punch that what they requested, but they decide to humor him rather than confront him. They are amused by Hardcastle's loquaciousness and the way he speaks about politics as though he were a man of repute (which he of course is). They cut off another of his stories to ask for dinner, and when he tells them the cook is at work preparing it, they are shocked to hear they cannot choose their own meal at an inn. He attempts to impress them by revealing that the meal will include pig with prune sauce and other delicacies, but they rudely diminish the value of such a fine meal and demand "plain eating" like calf's tongue and brains. In essence, they want pub food. When he apologizes for lacking such food, they instruct him to bring what he has and decide to retire.
Despite their confusion over this seemingly pushy landlord, the men allow Hardcastle to accompany them to their rooms. However, Hastings stays behind, remarking to himself on the strangeness of the situation, and Constance enters to find him. They are happily reunited, and Constance quickly surmises the trick Tony played, and corrects the mistake for Hastings. Hastings insists Constance join him in eloping, but she believes her fortune will prove crucial in their lives, and begs time to try and persuade her aunt (Mrs. Hardcastle) to turn the jewelry over. Hastings suggests they not correct Marlow's false assumptions since Marlow's timidity would make him to leave quickly in embarrassment, and any plan for elopement would be negated. Obviously, Hastings's identity needs to stay secret.
They are still discussing the issue when Marlow re-enters, confused over why Hardcastle would want to dine with them. Hastings spins a new lie, telling Marlow that Constance and Kate Hardcastle are themselves staying at the inn that night. Marlow is terrified by the news, and begs that Hastings postpone his meeting until the next day, when he can meet her at the Hardcastle home (which, of course, he is in.) Constance will not hear of it, since Kate would see such a refusal to meet as insulting.
The argument is made moot when Kate enters, and is introduced to Marlow. He holds up decently at first, partially due to the encouragement of Hastings, and to Kate's questions about his worldliness, he says "I have lived, indeed, in the world…[but] I have been but an observer upon life, madam, while others were enjoying it."
Things take a turn into one of the play's funniest scenes once Hastings and Constance abruptly leave despite Marlow's pleas to the contrary. Marlow keeps his head down during the entire interview, and stammers pleasantries, while Kate controls the conversation, amusing herself with the man's timidity. She asks questions about his time with women, about light, "sentimental" conversations that mean nothing, and about hypocrisy, with his responses slowly devolving until she is forced to complete his sentences for him. All the while, she is confused because she expected a man of "impudence" but instead is faced with this timid fellow.
He finally finds a way to politely exit, and Kate, now alone, laughs to herself at his ridiculous shyness. She does, however, note both his "good sense" and good looks, and wonders whether she might be able to teach him a confidence to accentuate those qualities.
She exits, and then four others enter: Tony, Constance, Hastings, and Mrs. Hardcastle. Constance is attempting to talk to Tony, who assumes she is pursuing the marriage desired by Mrs. Hardcastle, and so ignores her. The focus shifts to the other two, where Mrs. Hardcastle enjoys talking of London with Hastings. She explains that, out in the country, the best she can do with London style is imitate it from magazines. She laments being saddled with an "antique" like Hardcastle, but is enlivened to hear that the fashion in London now sees the age of fifty as fashionable. She talks to Hastings of how much Constance loves Tony, and mistakes their bickering for flirtation. When Tony explicitly shows disdain for Constance, Mrs. Hardcastle attacks him, and they argue over whether he is ungrateful or whether she is a harpy for denying him his fortune.
Hastings asks the privilege to speak to Tony man-to-man, and so the ladies leave. Alone, Hastings strikes a deal: if Tony can help them to escape, Hastings will "take her off his hands." As an addendum to a deal he greatly endorses, Tony promises to try and help get her jewels so the lovers can have them.